Beautiful Disaster
by RadicalSmile
Summary: A story about Sharpay's battle with an eating disorder. Songfic [Changed title]
1. Courage

A/N: This is my 3rd fic ever, so I'm not promising anything. I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own "High School Musical" or the song "Courage" by Superchick.

FYI: Song lyrics are in _Italics_. Direct thoughts are in **Bold**.

**Courage**

_**Sharpay's POV**_

_I told another lie today  
And I got through this day  
No one saw through my games   
I know the write words to say  
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"  
Then someone tells me how good I look  
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy  
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry_

I turn the knob and step inside my house. At first, I think no one is home, but then I hear Ryan call my name. He enters the living room wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron that's covered in flour. "Mom and Dad called and said they wouldn't be back until late, so I made our favorite, chicken alfredo. I also felt the need to the need to splurge and bake chocolate chip cookies. Unfortunately, I can't promise that they'll be as good as Zeke's."

My throat starts to close up, but I manage to squeak out a sentence. "Sorry, I ate at Gabby's," I reply and head upstairs. I know it's wrong to lie, but I can't possibly let myself eat all of that.

"Okay, well, it's down here if you get hungry later." I can hear the hurt in his voice, and I instantly regret it.

Once I get into my room. I close the door behind me and lock it. I walk over to my mirror and inspect myself. **Not bad, but it could be better.** I peel of my clothes so that I'm only wearing my pink silk bra and panties. I run my fingers over my body, and I can see everything that needs improvement. Legs, arms, stomach, all of them have too much fat on them. I see more here and there, but then I feel a tear slide down my cheek. **Fat Bitch!**

_I need you to know   
I'm not through the night  
Somedays I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be ok   
Together we can make it through another day_

Then, she arrives, that voice in my head. **_"Stop crying! You're stronger than that. Nobody likes a cry-baby. You may be fat, but I can help you. Right now, you're ugly. No guy would want to date you. You'll never amount to anything, at least, not with that body. I'm telling you this because I'm your friend. Your so-called friends lie to your face and tell you that you're pretty, but not me. I tell you the truth even if it hurts you. I'm here for you, but they won't be when they realize how pathetic you really are. I'll stay by your side until you achieve what you want. My name is Ana, and together, we can make you perfect."_**

The tears fall freely now, and I can't seem to make them stop. Ana says that she can help me. I'll do whatever it takes.

_I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful  
The day I chose not to eat  
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever  
I know I should know better  
There are days when I'm ok  
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope  
But there are days when I'm not ok  
And I need your help  
So I'm letting go_

I wake up and practically sprint to the bathroom. When I get inside, I tear off my clothes and hop onto the scale. I'm 1lb lighter than yesterday. I turn around and use my elbows to prop myself up on the counter. I can't remember the first day that I skipped a meal on purpose. I can't remember when I first thought that I was ugly either. I do know that as soon as I started, I couldn't stop. I became obsessed with the way I looked.

I'm always fixing something about my appearance, whether it's clothes or make-up. Everyone thinks it's because I'm conceited. The truth is, I can't help it. I have to make sure that I never look ugly or indecent. I always have to be presentable. Everyone expects me to, so why should I disappoint them?

I hear a knock at the door. "Sharpay, hurry up!"

"Go downstairs, Ryan," I reply.

I'm not even close to done yet.

_I need you to know   
I'm not through the night  
Somedays I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know_

_That we'll be ok   
Together we can make it through another day_

I turn the water on, and step into the shower. At first it's cold, but I decide not to change it. It's kind of fitting, you know, the Ice Queen taking a cold shower. I laugh bitterly to myself, and then I feel her coming back.

"_**That's it! Be the person they want you to be. Be cold and heartless. They don't need you, and you certainly don't need them. The water makes you stronger. It nullifies your ability to feel. It makes you numb. The Ice Queen doesn't have any friends, and neither do you. You have me, and that's all that matters. Make me proud."**_

_You should know you're not on your own  
These secrets are walls that keep us alone   
I don't know when but I know now  
Together we'll make it through somehow  
(together we'll make it through somehow)_

It's lunch time, and no one else is at the drama table yet. Instead of a lunch tray, I have placed homework in front of me. Ryan walks up beside me and sits down.

"Hey, Sis. Where's your tray?"

"Oh…um…well I'm not really that hungry."

"Okay." I can tell he thinks I'm lying.

An awkward silence starts to grow between us. I finally decide to break it. "Well, I need to go drop this off in Ms. Tenny's room." I start to gather my books, but Ryan grabs my arm.

"I'm here for you…if you ever need to…talk."

I fake a smile and say, "Oh, I know. Thanks." I get up and walk off before he can see the tears threatening to break through. I hate lying to him, but I know that it's for the best. One day, he'll understand.

_I need you to know   
I'm not through the night  
Somedays I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be ok   
Together we can make it through another day_

**Right, Left, Right, Left. One foot in front of the other.**

I'm on the track after school. This isn't the first time, but I need to make it a habit. I've lost track of how many laps I've done. It doesn't matter though. I can't stop now. Troy and his buddies start to shoot hoops outside. He waves at me, and I smile and wave back. I've never really understood why they practice outside. Then, she comes back before I realize it.

"**_Don't worry about him. Stay focused! Besides, he could never like someone as fat as you. He only waved to be polite. He probably made fun of you after you waved back at him. He'll like you when you're perfect."_**

My body becomes tired, and I start feel dizzy. I want to slow down, but she won't let me.

"_**Just wait. It'll pass."**_

Sure enough, it does, so I pick my speed back up. After a few minutes, I start to feel dizzy again, but it's worse…much worse.

"_**You may think you're tired but you're not. Push! Push! Push! You can't quit now. You have to keep going."**_

All of the sudden, I loose my footing, and everything goes black.

_**(A/N)**_**I know, the ending was kind of abrupt, but I got lazy. **

**Should I make it into a chapter story or leave it as a oneshot? Tell me what you think! **


	2. Angel

Disclaimer: I do not own "High School Musical" or the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan.

A/N: I want to try to keep this going, so I hope you guys like this chapter.

**Angel**

It's been about a month since I passed out on the track. I was able to play it off as dehydration. Good thing that the jocks were stupid enough to believe it, but I don't know if Troy and Ryan did. They haven't said anything about since. Actually, I haven't really talked to either of them all that much. I guess it's because I'm always off in my own world. Besides, I have Ana. I don't need them. I've been losing weight like crazy. It's amazing! I know that Ana is proud of me, and that's all that matters.

_Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay  
there's always one reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day_

I've been with Ryan all day, so I can't lie about eating. Damn! What am I going to do? I can't say I'm not hungry because I say that all of the time. I guess I have to eat.

Ryan sits the steaming plate of lasagna in front of me. All I can do is stare at it. I've worked too hard to give it all up now, but what choice do I have? I pick at it for now as Ryan tells me a story about how Kelsi tripped in AP Chem, but I'm too distracted to hear everything that he is saying.

When he is finished telling his story, he notices that I haven't really touched my food. "Sharpay, you love lasagna. Is something wrong?" There's my opening. I need to take it, but I can't seem to form an excuse that I haven't used before. I simply say, "No." Then it happens. I pick up a forkful of the fatty poison and bring it towards my lips. It tastes amazing!

Before I know it, Ryan is removing my empty plate sitting in front of me. Then the phone rings. I don't show any sign of moving, so Ryan goes to pick it up. "Hello?...Hi, Dad…Oh, we're fine…Don't worry about it…" Ryan walks over to the fridge and opens the door. He's looking for something and starts back in on the conversation. "No, we're out…Sure…Okay…I love you too." He sets the phone back on the receiver and says, "That was Dad. His business trip got extended to Wednesday. He said he was sorry and told me to tell you he loves you."

"Okay."

"We need milk. I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Well, I'll be right back."

I wait for him to leave before I get up and go upstairs. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Ana probably hates me now. She'll call me a fat cow and leave me like everyone else.

"**_I don't hate you." _**She almost scares me. **_"Don't worry. I'm not going to leave you. You messed up, but I can't help you. I know someone who can. She is one of my other friends. I think you will get along. We can be a trio. She'll help you, and then we can go back to normal. She can help me make you perfect. Her name is Mia, and she knows exactly what to do. Her methods may seem extreme, but you have to trust me. It's for the best." _**

_I need some distraction  
oh beautiful release  
memory seeps from my veins   
let me be empty  
and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight_

I do as I am told. I get rid of all of the toxins that I put in my body. I wipe my mouth and a smile creeps onto my lips. Ana said Mia could help me, and she did.

"_**Good. Now we can get back to work, but don't ever disappoint me again."**_

"I won't. I'm sorry." I talk to her almost as if she's a real person, but I can't see her. I can only hear her and feel her emotions like we are one person.

_In the arms of an angel  
fly away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room   
and the endlessness that you fear_

I walk back over to my bed and crawl under the covers. I feel safe again, almost like nothing in the world can hurt me. Normally, it's just me in my safe place, but I feel Ana right beside me. 

_You are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there_

Flashback

"Sharpay, hurry up. We don't have all day." Her mother was waiting impatiently out side the dressing room.

Inside, an 11-year-old Sharpay is giving one more look-see before see steps outside. Finding her confidence, she opens the door and exits the tiny room.

Her mother's face shows no expression. "Okay, turn around." Sharpay does so that her back is facing the woman. "Honey, that makes your butt look huge. Quite frankly, you look a little large. Maybe you should lay off of the cookies."

"Really? I…" Before Sharpay could reply, her mother's cell phone rings and of course she has to answer it. After a couple minutes of waiting, Sharpay walks back into the room.

When Sharpay comes out of the dressing room in her regular clothes and a tear-stained face, her mother is still talking on her cell and barely notices. She just rips the outfit from her daughter's hands and tosses it to the side. She grabs Sharpay's hand, and they leave the store.

End Flashback

A lonely tear falls from Sharpay's eye at the thought of that humiliating day.

"_**It's okay. You're not that person anymore. You have me now."**_

_So tired of the straight line  
and everywhere you turn  
there's vultures and thieves at your back  
and the storm keeps on twisting  
you keep on building the lie  
that you make up for all that you lack_

It's been a couple of weeks since I met Mia. I ran into her a couple of times since then too. It's almost like a game. I see how much food I can stuff down my throat then Mia and I see how fast we can get rid of it. Ana says it's okay as long as we don't lose. The thing is, we always win.

Today is a day like any other, filled with boring classes and boring teachers. Except, today, Ryan is home sick with the flu. I hope to God that I don't catch it!

After 3rd period Bio, I'm walking to my locker, and I notice that something is different. Guys are actually smiling at me. A few even felt the need to say hi. I can't believe it! It's working.

"_**See! I told you! Keep it up. Who knows? Someday, you might actually get asked out on a date, but not yet. You still have your work cut out for you."**_

She's right. This is good, but I still need to do better.

I walk over to my locker and start to put in my combination. Then, Gabriella walks up to me with a smile. "Hey, Sharpay!"

"Oh, hey Gabby!"

"I feel like I haven't talked to you in like forever. What have you been up to?" She asks curiously.

"Um, not much, school and dancing mostly. Actually, I've been kind of busy."

"Well, you better free up your schedule because I think you may have a date in your future."

"Who would want to date me? I'm the Ice Queen."

"Apparently someone one the basketball team does."

"Really? Who?"

"Troy didn't tell me that part. It's funny, you know? I think we talk more now than when we were dating."

"Yeah." I smile.

"Hey, you want to have lunch together?"

I wanted to say no, but she had so much hope in her eyes. "Okay, sure."

"Awesome! See you later."

My smile fades as soon as she walks away.

_It don't make no difference  
escaping one last time  
it's easier to believe  
in this sweet madness   
oh this glorious sadness  
that brings me to my knees_

After lunch I discreetly rush to the bathroom. Good, no one's here. I head for a stall and lock the door as I go inside. I kneel beside the toilet and think about what Gabriella said earlier. She said that someone likes me, so I have to try harder. Much harder.

C'mon Mia! It's not a game this time. I need you

"_**Okay. I'm right here"**_

_In the arms of an angel... _

As I walk out of the bathroom, I realize how easy that has become. I try not to worry about it too much, and I push it to the back of my mind.

My head starts to feel funny and corner of my eyes start to get dark. I lean against the wall for support, but it barely helps. After a few seconds, I start to walk again, and I see Troy. He smiles at me, and I try to smile back. Sadly, I can't because I'm too busy falling to the floor. 

_You're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort here_

I can't see anything, but I can hear Troy dialing something on his phone. I can also hear some other student gathering closer, maybe even a few whispers. Finally, I hear Troy speak, "Yeah, my friend just…" His voice is too soft now for me to figure out the rest of what he is saying. Then suddenly, I can't hear anything at all.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Okay, so I hope you guys liked it. Please review.


	3. Nobody's Home

Disclaimer: I don't own "High School Musical" or the song "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne.

A/N: So I'm already getting some positive feedback on my last chapter, so I'm trying to be quicker about updating this time. Plus, I just had a sudden burst of inspiration for this fic. Here goes nothing…

**Nobody's Home**

I've been here for almost a week now. They brought me to the hospital after I collapsed, and long story short, I have to stay here. A few people have come to visit me, but nothing much has happened. They come in, make small talk, act like they care, and sometimes they might even smile. Eventually, it gets awkward, and then they make up some excuse to leave. Who needs them, right?

The only person to actually stay more than five minutes is Ryan. He won't say anything though. He sits in the corner and stares out the window. Every once in awhile, he'll look at me, but only to make sure I'm still there, still waiting for him to say something. When he looks at me, I can see the disappointment in his eyes. I also see confusion.

_I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,  
She felt it everyday.  
And I couldn't help her,  
I just watched her make the same mistakes again._

Ana hasn't spoken to me since I got here. Just like Ryan, I know she is disappointed in me. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't perfect enough. Now, I'll never be perfect. They keep feeding me more and more. I'm going to get fat. Then, Ana will never come back.

In the hospital, I feel alone. Even with visitors, I can't seem to lose the feeling, not even for a second. It's like they're there, but I'm not. Maybe that's how I feel.

Absent. Detached. Lost.

_What's wrong, what's wrong now?  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.  
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside.  
_

Today, Ryan is reading a magazine instead of just sitting there. He'll look up every so often. I try not to stare at him, but what else is there to do. He looks up again, but this time, he doesn't go back to his magazine. He holds my gaze. It's like a staring contest. Only, it's not the same as when we were 8. It's not fun anymore. It's cold and heartless. Our giggles were replaced with tight-lipped fixations.

I can't take it any longer, so I break the connection. After that he goes back to his magazine like nothing ever happened. Eventually, he's finished reading which means he's finished with me. At least, for now.

_Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.  
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.  
Be strong, be strong now.  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.  
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside. _

The next time Ryan comes to visit, he has a rather large book with him. I can't help but wonder if that means he's going to be here a long time. He just sits in his normal seat and begins reading. Today, I decided, I wasn't going to just sit there and stare at him. I wasn't going to let him control me.

"Why?"

He catches me off-guard a little because I'm staring out the window. I turn to him, but I noticed that he never looked up from the lines on the page. "What?"

He finally looks up. "Why, Sharpay?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do this to yourself?" I can't read the expression on his face.

"Diet?"

"I would hardly call putting yourself in the hospital, a diet." He starts to raise his voice, but only a little. 

"It's not like I committed suicide or something, Ryan!"

"I hate to break it to you sis, but you sort of did."

"What are you talking about?" I say in disbelief.

"You starved yourself to the point of passing out. You starved yourself so bad that you couldn't handle it. You could've died!" He was almost yelling now.

"Why are you being like this?"

"Well one of us had to grow up sooner or later, and obviously it wasn't you."

"What happened to you, Ryan?"

He doesn't say anything for a few seconds, but then he does. "You happened to me, Shar." With that said, he just left. He didn't even bother to grab his book, and he definitely wasn't coming back to get it.

I don't understand. This isn't him. This isn't MY Ryan. My Ryan is so full of life and happy. He is excited and positive about everything. He doesn't have a temper because he just wasn't built that way. My Ryan is gone. This Ryan is dead to the world. He doesn't care about anything. He is upset and can't find good in anything. This Ryan is angry, almost bitter. That's when I realize, he is right. I happened to him. I ruined him.

_Her feelings she hides.  
Her dreams she can't find.  
She's losing her mind.   
She's fallen behind.  
She can't find her place.  
She's losing her faith.  
She's fallen from grace.  
She's all over the place.  
Yeah, oh_

Ryan isn't the only one that changed. So did I. I don't even remember the last time I danced for a reason other than exercise. I haven't sang in so long that I'm probably the worst singer in the world. I used to devote everything to drama. Now, I don't have the time. I'm too busy trying to be perfect.

Even if I tried to do drama again, would I still be the star? Have they found I replacement? Someone better than me. Would I fit in at all? They'd probably reject me and tell me to screw off. Who could blame them?

I wonder if everyone still thinks of me as the Ice Queen. Maybe they don't think I all that perfect anymore. If I'm not the Ice Queen, then who am I?

My thoughts are all jumbled, and I can't think straight. I hate being here! It's too hard. I want to go home. I want to be safe. I want everything to be okay again.

_She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.   
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside._

I've been home for almost a couple weeks now. I had to stay in the hospital for a couple more days after my fight with Ryan. I'm still not allowed to go to school because they think I might relapse or something. Oh well! I don't think I'm ready to go back to school anyway.

I'm sitting in front of my bedroom mirror brushing my hair when Ryan walks in. We've actually gotten a lot closer since I got back. He is starting to act more like his old-self. We both are.

"Hey, Sharpay! I was wondering if I could borrow your Justin Timberlake CD."

"Sure!" I walk over to my CD rack and grab it. "But, you know? No matter how many times you listen to it, you're still not going to bring sexy back." I smile and so does he.

"I actually need it for some choreography I'm working on, but I'll keep that in mind." He starts to exit but he turns back around.

"Hey…you okay?"

"You know? It's weird…For once, I think I am."

He gives me a reassuring smile and closes my door on his way out.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah  
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

I go back to brushing my hair, counting out the strokes. Instantly, I get this weird feeling, and then it happens. She's back.

"_**Hey, Sharpay! Did you miss me?**_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mwah ha ha ha!

Don't you just hate me?

Anyway…I hope it was good! Review please!


	4. My Immortal

Disclaimer: I don't own "High School Musical" or the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence.

**A/N Important**: I had more inspiration for the fic. This chapter is a little different because Sharpay will use the song to have a conversation with Ana, and it starts right where the last one left off. Sharpay is in _Italics_, and her thoughts are regular. Ana is in **_Bold Italics_**.

**My Immortal**

I didn't think she was coming back. When I was in the hospital, I wanted her there with me. Now, I'm not so sure anymore

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

She left me. She abandoned me just like everyone else.

_  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

I don't know if I can forgive her. She lied to me.

**_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
I held your hand through all of these years_**

With those words, I can feel myself weakening. I can feel myself needing her again.

_  
But you still have  
All of me  
_

I know I should fight it, but what's the point? She's in control.

**_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating life  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
_**

She wants to help me be pretty again. She wants me to try harder this time. She wants me to do it again, but I can't. I made a promise to Ryan.

_Your face it haunts   
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me  
_

My bed isn't safe anymore because that's where I sleep. When I sleep, I think of her. I think of what I used to be. She changed me. She transformed me into a real Ice Queen. I isolated myself from everyone but her. I became dependent on her. That's exactly what she wanted.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

I don't even know if my friends will forgive me. I won't blame them if they don't. I lied to them. I betrayed them. I left them.

**_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
I held your hand through all of these years_**

It's Mia's turn now. She tries to get me to play our game. She reminds me of the fun we used to have while playing it. She tells me she misses me, and she wants to be friends again.

_  
But you still have  
All of me  
_

For a second, I miss her too. Then I realize, our game was never really that fun. Well, it was for her, but I just did it so she would stay by me. I needed a friend, someone other than Ana, and that was the only way to get one.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along  
_

Ana won't admit it, but she gave up on me. She took Mia with her. I guess she figured if she couldn't have me, then no one could. She was just jealous.

**_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
I held your hand through all of these years_**

When Ana didn't come back, I was lonely. I couldn't turn to anybody because she was my only friend. I think she planned it that way. If I ever slipped up big, I would realize how much I need her.

_  
But you still have  
All of me_

Ana says that I'll regret this one day. She says I'll be fat, ugly, and alone. She says I'll come crawling back to her and beg her to help me. She says I still need her.

The thing is, she's wrong. I don't need her.

Goodbye Ana…Forever.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope it lived up to expectation. Should I continue this story? I think I have an idea for another chapter.

Just tell me what you think…


End file.
